SENTENCING DAY. FIVE YEARS LATER

 

As I sit here today, Monday October 26, 2020, I am instantly transformed back to the last time October 26 came out on a Monday. The year was  2015. That was the day that I was sentenced and taken into custody. I wrote about this day three years go and it can be read at http://www.whitecollarguru.com/2017/10/the-defendant-is-hereby-remanded-to.html

 

For some reason today is harder than the other anniversaries. Perhaps it is because it is the 5-year anniversary or perhaps it is because like then, this year it falls out on a Monday. Without question it was the worst day of my life. I am sure most of my family would say the same-there are always exceptions! I feel as though I am sitting here but am being transformed back in time and reliving that day hour by hour, minute by minute and second by second. I remember driving to the courthouse, waiting to get it, and having my lawyers advocate for me. I am reliving the speech that I gave to the judge an in front of family and friends expressing regret for “the person I had become” in 2009 and hoping against hope that the judge would find it in his heart to allow me to avoid prison time. Finally, I remember the judge dashing my hopes and asking the US Marshals Service to remand me to custody.

It is kind of eerie. Although it was happening to me and I therefore could not possibly have watched it, I felt then as I feel know that I was hovering outside my own body as I was told to remove my belt and tie. I remember gazing upon myself as I was escorted out of the courtroom to the chamber in front where they proceeded to place handcuffs on my wrists and shackled around my ankles. If it were not so sad it would have been comical. I knew then as I know now that I always lived my life close to the edge, often too close, but ending up in prison? Me? How in the world did this happen? The worst part is what goes through your mind as this is happening. I sat there wondering how do I come back from this? How will I rebuild? How will I survive prison? What will happen to my family? Will my children suffer irreparable damage? Will they be ashamed? Will they be embarrassed by me? There is no worse feeling that that sense of defeatism and having no hope whatsoever. I think that this is the intent of the criminal justice system. While the stated goal is physically lock you up, the real goal is to paralyze you into an irreparable state of hopelessness and despair.

That was then and this is now. I sit here today at what we all hope is the end of the COVID epidemic. We as a society have been subjected to a collective imprisonment as quarantines were enacted, travel bans imposed, and businesses shuttered. The sense of despair across our society was palpable as these restrictions began to take place. Now as one who had been in prison, I guess I was “fortunate” in the sense that the quarantines, while unpleasant, was nothing compared to actual incarceration. Speak with any former prisoner and he will unequivocally state that this was a cake walk compared to actual incarceration- even if he was fortunate enough to serve his time in a minimum security camp such as where I served the bulk of my time. Yes, the loss of life has been tragic, and should never have happened but for the individual former prisoner this is nothing.

 

As I mentioned, the worst part of the process was the sense that all is lost and that you will never recover. The cure for that is too start looking forward from the day you start serving your time. It is what I have endeavored to do since that horrible day five years ago. It is not easy. At the same time, there is no point in dwelling on the past other than to learn from it. If someone would have asked me on that day if I thought I would be where I am today, I would have thought he belonged in an insane asylum.  I would have suggested he also get locked up! Yet here I am today having embarked on a new career and cannot be happier. I can honestly say that I am happier in my profession in 2020 that I was in in 2015 and 2014 for that matter. I work day in and day out with some of the best and brightest men and women in my profession and they judge me for who I am today and now who they may have read about in some inaccurate article written over 10 years ago. As a quasi-co-defendant told me when I entered the Miami Prison Camp, “they can take many things from you but the one thing they cannot take from you is your brain. Mike you are a smart guy, and you will rebuild”. We had not been friends at any point during 2009 but he was kind enough to give me that encouragement as we walked the track on the day I arrived. It is a truism that I have never forgotten.

Many of my other worries have dissipated as well. My children, who were my main sources of concern used it as an experience from which they can grow. Without exception they are excelling at levels I never would have thought possible. They are all near or at the top of the classes. My oldest child even used the experience of being the child of an incarcerated parent as the topic for her college essay. Socially even most of my friends stood by me. Sure, some of them disappeared but in hindsight, they were never real friends anyway.

As for me, well the experience changed me. I am not going to lie, no one ever really changes, at least not permanently. I am still as opinionated, spiteful, and often arrogant as ever. At the same time, my approach to life and my appreciation of all I have is certainly more at the forefront. The very fact that I can run on the beach is something to appreciate. The ability to see family and friends whenever I want is something to appreciate. The privilege to work with amazing people is something to appreciate. These are all seemingly mundane activities that most people take for granted. It is not until these “normal” daily activities are no longer “normal” that we realize how lucky we are.

 

So here I am five years later. Do I dwell on the past too much? Probably. But at the same time I am always looking forward, finding a way to make myself better and realizing that every day is a gift. As the saying goes: Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. And here is another one for my religious friends out there: G-d put your eyes in front of your head so that you always look forward and not backward.