TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF PROBATION!!!!!!!

Today is my last day of probation. This is very different from the day of my official release from custody which I wrote about three years ago http://www.whitecollarguru.com/2017/04/isnt-it-euphoric-reflections-on-freedom.html In many ways today is a bigger celebration than the time of my release from custody three years ago

 It is a day that for which I have been waiting 10 years, five months and one week. I served three years of probation after having served one month in the Federal Detention Center, 10 months in a prison camp, almost five months in a halfway house and two months at under home confinement. My probationary period has lasted longer than my entire sentence.   It is a very very big deal that this day has finally arrived. As of midnight tonight, I will no longer be under the thumb of the United States criminal justice system. It is a day that I had been looking forward to for a very long time. I had celebratory events planned for tonight as well as tomorrow. It is therefore the ultimate irony that I am completing probation while under quarantine! The celebrations, as planned will not take place, but there will be celebrations, nonetheless.

Just to give a brief description of probation, or the legal term Supervised Release, is not prison. If I had to describe it, it would call it annoying on a practical day to day level. Permission needs to be granted by the probation officer to travel outside of your judicial district and that request form permission needs to be submitted two weeks prior to traveling. In order to leave the country, the sentencing judge needs to approve it. There are unannounced visits from the probation officer, which of course is just a minor inconvenience. There is the random drug testing where an officer needs to watch you leave a urine sample, which is of course humiliating. There is monthly financial reporting which again is just something to remember to do. But all of this is as I said simply an inconvenience. It is the psychological effect of probation that is the most difficult. It is the knowledge that even the smallest of infractions, even say a speeding ticket could land someone back in front of the judge or back in prison, especially if that interaction with the officer of the law is not reported to the probation officer. In my case, it was the knowledge that even over 10 years later I am still serving my sentence; that I need permission for something as mundane as a trip to New York. No, it is not the actual restrictions of probation that make it so difficult, it is the actual knowledge that even after having served a sentence, even after having paid the debt to society, it is still not over.

Now that it is ending, I can reflect on my life as it was then and what it is now. In my sentencing speech made in 2015 I told the judge that I was disgusted by the person I had become in 2009. I had become an egomaniac (even by my lofty standards) whose only drive was to accumulate as much power and money as possible. I cared about the power more than the money. It mattered to me more who I was associated with, which governor or political candidate who I can meet than what they stood for. Moreover, none of my friends, bothered to call me out on it, not that I would have listened anyway. I would have simply attributed their criticism to jealousy.

I now reflect on the person I was in 2015, as I was getting indicted, pleading guilty and ultimately sentenced. That person is also someone of whom I am not proud. I was depressed, my self-esteem was battered, and I thought that my life was over. I was sad all the time even though I did my best to put on a brave face for my family and friends. I was also angry all the time. I had lost my career, which was going quite well even before 2008, I was in a business I did not like, I had settled with a bankruptcy trustee to give up the vast majority of my wealth which included funds that had nothing to do with my case. I was angry because I felt I was being sent to prison not because I was guilty, but because the prosecutors were able to coerce a plea deal out of me  which I had taken rather than go to trial where I could neither afford the representation nor the risk of losing. I was always anxious, I drank a lot, and was self-medicating because I was unable to sleep at night. I have said before that that experience was in many ways worse than prison and that at least getting sentenced ended that stage. I was in a bad place and that person is also someone who I am ashamed to have become.

I look at myself today and I see a survivor. The experience of the past 10 years has changed me for the better and has transformed every aspect of my life in ways I could never have imagined. I am not saying this to brag, but they threw everything they had at me and I am still standing today. I am certainly a different person. I have a job that I love but one that I would never have if I had not gone through this experience. I have lost a lot of friends, but I learned very early on in the process that the friends who do not stand by you when you are at your worst were never friends at all. They were friends of convenience but of little substance. In essence my circle of friends has gotten smaller, but they are real friendships. In the three years that I have been on probation, I have made new friends both socially and professionally. These are relationships that had I not gone through this experience I would not have and as I sit here today, I view these relationships as indispensable. These new people in my life know my history, and not only accept me for it but respect me for it. They are not judgmental in any way because they know who I am today and everything in the past just does not matter. It is the relationships that you forge during and after traumatic life events that are the relationships worth having and I am thankful every day not only for the friends and family that stood by me but especially for those new friendships I have made which never would even exist but my going through this experience. There really is a master plan in the universe.

So, what’s next? The very idea that this is finally over is euphoric. It is surreal. I actually have trouble believing it myself. For a former felon the rebuilding never stops. He always feels he has something to prove because he always thinks people are talking about his past. I don’t think that feeling will every go away, no matter how much success or failure I ultimately realize in this next stage of my life. The key is to make the right decisions, forge real relationships, and never ever let this horrible experience, and it is a horrible one, get control and ruin your life. It is an experience that can only make you stronger, it is an experience that has the potential to make you a better person and it is an experience that shows you the fabric of true friendship.

As we sit here under virtual quarantine, we are all bemoaning loss of our freedom. It is hard for all of us. But it is important to remember, and not lose site of what is really important. Yes, it is hard and yes, we cannot go about our lives and it is true we cannot have the celebrations we wanted to enjoy. We are all in a sort of prison. As a former prisoner, the best advice I can give is to focus on what really matters in times like this. If everyone in your family is healthy, be grateful because there are over a million people suffering with this terrible disease. If you are not alone be grateful because plenty of people are suffering alone in isolation right now. And remember to the extent possible engage in acts of kindness, because as with every prison sentence this will end, and we will emerge better and stronger.